Domestic Violence, Self-Esteem and Helping Clients Set Boundaries

Domestic violence remains a significant societal issue in South Africa, with many individuals finding themselves entangled in cycles of intimate partner violence. Observations during practical internship hours have shown that a concerning number of clients, both victims and aggressors, experience the impact of such violence. This article examines the link between low self-esteem and the tendency for female clients to enter and remain in abusive relationships. It also explores how building self-esteem and establishing boundaries can play a critical role in enhancing their sense of self and self-protection.

Domestic Violence and Low Self-Esteem
Research indicates a strong connection between low self-esteem and an increased likelihood of entering and staying in abusive relationships. Numerous studies have shown that women with low self-esteem are more vulnerable to mistreatment and often remain in abusive relationships due to diminished self-worth. A study discussing the link between violence against women and self-esteem revealed that 70% of domestic violence victims scored low or very low on the Self-Esteem Scale. This study emphasises that low self-esteem is not only common among victims but may also play a role in keeping them in abusive situations. Similarly, another study on intimate partner violence and self-esteem found that emotional abuse was the most common form of mistreatment. Moreover, victims with lower self-esteem were more likely to normalise and justify abuse. This suggests a vicious cycle where low self-worth may make individuals more prone to abuse and continued abuse.

Low Self-Esteem and the Absence of Boundaries
Studies indicate that inadequate boundary-setting often stems from low self-esteem, a desire to please others, or a fear of rejection. Individuals with low self-esteem often struggle to identify their needs, let alone assert them. Furthermore, neglecting internal boundaries, such as self-care, emotional capacity, and personal limits, can further worsen their self-worth. This dynamic creates a feedback loop: low self-esteem leads to poor boundary-setting, which then fuels feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness. These individuals may avoid asserting themselves, fearing that such actions could jeopardise their relationships or incite conflict. Thus, a lack of self-esteem and boundaries leaves individuals vulnerable to abuse and manipulation.

The Importance of Regaining Self-Esteem and Establishing Boundaries
Working with individuals who have experienced domestic violence can be challenging. Based on both research and personal experience, the interrelationship between domestic violence, self-esteem, and boundaries is evident. Establishing a strong self-esteem is essential in order to set healthy boundaries, as it fosters self-respect and reinforces the understanding that one’s needs are valid. Therefore, a fundamental step in helping clients regain control over their lives involves facilitating the process of building self-esteem and learning to identify and set boundaries.

Building Self-Esteem

In my experience, victims of domestic violence often grapple with low self-esteem and are unsure of who they are, who they want to be, and may even be plagued by feelings worthlessness and guilt. In order to rebuild self-esteem, Counsellors can begin by assisting clients define who they want to be, exploring their unique strengths, and reframing their self-image. A crucial component of changing and individual’s self-perception involves identifying negative thinking patterns and self-talk that reinforce low self-worth. One of the more challenging yet essential aspects of rebuilding self-esteem is helping clients practice self-compassion and self-forgiveness. True self-acceptance and confidence is unlikely to be achieved if clients have not addressed feelings of self-resentment or unforgiveness.

Setting Boundaries

Like mentioned above, understanding one’s self-worth and needs is a prerequisite for setting healthy boundaries. Thus, it is important for clients to rebuild their self-esteem before they start setting boundaries that affirm their value. When helping clients identify and set boundaries, there are a few key aspects I feel counsellors should emphasise.

First, it is important to clarify the purpose of healthy boundaries: healthy boundaries are intended to create and maintain mutually satisfying relationships. Healthy boundaries should help individuals communicate their needs and limits effectively, without alienating others. Second is to explain what boundaries are and are not – Boundaries should be clear, straightforward, and respectful, allowing room for connection and flexibility in relationships. Boundaries are not meant to be rigid barriers that push people away; instead, they should provide a safe space for connection and interaction. They are not tools of control or punishment but should allow for negotiation and adjustment as relationships evolve.

Finally, it’s essential to guide clients on when and how to communicate their boundaries effectively. It is important to differentiate between internal and external boundaries. Internal boundaries relate to personal commitments and involve recognising one’s emotional and physical capacities, often not requiring external communication. In contrast, external boundaries dictate how others may treat us and necessitate clear communication. When communicating boundaries, it’s crucial to do so respectfully and at appropriate times to support healthy relationships that uphold personal well-being. Another important aspect to emphasize to clients is consistency in enforcing boundaries, remaining open to discussion, and preparing for potential resistance.

Conclusion
The connection between domestic violence, self-esteem, and boundaries is clear. As wellness counsellors, we have the opportunity to make a meaningful difference in our clients’ lives by addressing one of the root causes that my lead them to enter, accept and remain in abusive relationships. By assisting clients in rebuilding their self-esteem and establishing boundaries, we can empower them to reclaim control of their lives, one boundary at a time. Not only does this help them improve their current state of mind, but it can also reduce the likelihood of remaining in or re-entering abusive relationships.

Author: Christine Le Roux

References

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