Self‐compassion is a powerful inner resource for enhancing well‐being. Dr. Maya Angelou says it beautifully: “I’ve learned a long time ago that the wisest thing to do is to be on my own side.” In my experience as an intern counsellor, I have seen how difficult it is for clients to be on their own side by extending compassion to themselves. To some, it seems like a foreign concept, and others feel they don’t know how to do so. The good news is that counsellors can educate their clients on how to have compassion for themselves.

The capacity to turn acceptance, love, and understanding inward is known as self-compassion. According to the American Psychological Association, self-compassion entails a non-critical stance toward one’s inadequacies and failures. The train of thought is that while self-criticism can result in unpleasant feelings, self-compassion can protect a person from the emotional fallout from their perceived flaws and promote well-being. Literature defines self-compassion as consisting of three parts: self-kindness versus self-judgment, common humanity versus isolation, and mindfulness versus over-identification when relating to painful experiences. Most people try to be compassionate toward their loved ones when they make a mistake or feel inadequate and try to alleviate the pain. We, however, are far tougher on ourselves and tend to criticize ourselves for our shortcomings and failures.

Kindness toward the self means that we are emotionally moved by our pain and able to say: “What has happened is taking its toll on me. What do I need right now?” When we respond to ourselves with care and gentleness, we foster emotions that help us cope with the challenge or trauma and not get carried away by it. These positive emotions bring stability and clarity of mind, contributing to our well-being and the ability to make decisions from a more stable inner world. Dr. Kristin Neff states, “Our culture teaches us to use self-criticism for motivation and to build self-esteem by constantly measuring ourselves against others. We need to learn the essential skill of being nurturing and supportive towards ourselves.” Cultivating self‐compassion has the potential to turn self-criticism around, allowing us to acknowledge our limitations and accept ourselves with kindness.

The sense of common humanity inherent to self‐compassion helps us to feel connected to others, whereas isolation brings separation. When we fail or are faced with our shortcomings, we tend to irrationally feel alone in our circumstances. These feelings might generate negative thoughts, such as “No one understands how I feel.” Our thoughts and feelings create isolation and a disconnect from those around us, even those close to us, which amplifies our pain. Self‐compassion breaks down the walls of isolation by connecting us to the global human experience of suffering that we all are vulnerable to. It is comforting to remind ourselves that we are not alone in our imperfections and that our goal shouldn’t be perfection. We share in the imperfection of this world, and it is our flaws and shortcomings that make us human. For many of us, this is a new perspective that we need to keep reminding ourselves of.

Self-compassion asks us to acknowledge our pain, sit with it, and not turn away from it. Being mindful of our pain and shortcomings gives us the ability and insight to view our feelings and thoughts from a different perspective—an outsider’s view—that in return could bring about understanding for ourselves. It is like taking a step around the corner of the pain or struggle and exploring it from the other side. We easily become absorbed by our feelings and find it difficult to step around the corner when we resist the fact that we are suffering. Being mindful means trying to be aware of our thoughts and feelings, especially when they come from a place of self-criticism. Compassion for the critical voice brings us a step closer to resolution.

An increasing body of research shows how self-compassion in the counseling space can alleviate suffering from a variety of disorders, such as personality disorders, social anxiety, and depression. Studies reveal that self-compassion-focused interventions also have an impact on non-clinical populations. Self-compassionate people are more optimistic and satisfied with life, demonstrate higher levels of emotional intelligence, are more resilient, have a stable sense of self-worth, and draw healthy boundaries. It is further noted that they are less likely to experience intense shame, base their self-worth on social approval, become emotionally dysregulated, get overwhelmed by stress, be detached, or become hopeless about the future. Findings suggest that taking an accepting approach to personal failure may even make people more motivated to make amends, avoid repeating moral transgressions, and report greater motivation to change a weakness. Self-compassion, therefore, increases self-improvement motivation, a characteristic that will markedly support the counselling process.

Counsellors are entrusted with a space that can assist clients in responding to their difficulties in a kind and gentle way. To build self-compassion, we must first be able to slow down, activate the parasympathetic nervous system, and turn on our mind and body’s calming mode. This can be done by using slow breathing to achieve a calming state, to then be able to think and behave in self-compassionate ways. Making use of open-ended questions and directing the client to their own needs in a situation may bring about the kindness toward the self that is needed to build their inner resource of self-compassion. For example, if a client struggles to forgive him- or herself for the mistakes made, the counsellor could follow up by asking, “What would you say to your younger self?” Clients can also be encouraged to think and speak about themselves as they would to a friend. Clients can also be encouraged to offer themselves a non-judgmental level of self-acceptance by embracing their perceived shortcomings and flaws. Reflecting on the things that they are proud of and engaging in small acts of kindness toward themselves can nourish their souls and bring them closer to resolutions. Acts of kindness can include taking time off or doing something solely for themselves. The use of self-compassion affirmations, such as “I am deserving of compassion, especially during my difficult moments” or “I release the need to be perfect and embrace myself as I am,” can bring about a sense of calm and space for them to breathe. Exercises that also encourage self-compassion include writing letters to oneself from the point of view of a kind and understanding friend.

In summary, self‐compassion is an effective tool to help alleviate suffering. Creating a space for clients to learn to be on their own side will create in them the desire to help themselves. By mastering the skill of self-compassion, clients can benefit by responding to themselves with understanding, opposing self-judgment and isolation, and creating the well-being needed to take on the challenges of our shared human reality more productively.

Author: Marike van Zyl

References

Breines, J. G., & Chen, S. (2012). Self-Compassion Increases Self-Improvement Motivation. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 38(9), 1133-1143.

Germer CK, Neff KD. Self-compassion in clinical practice. J Clin Psychol. 2013 Aug;69(8):856-67.

https://dictionary.apa.org/self-compassion

https://self-compassion.org/

https://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself/Self-Compassion

Neff K, Germer C. The role of self-compassion in psychotherapy. World Psychiatry. 2022 Feb;21(1):58-59.

Saulsman, L., Campbell, B., & Sng, A. (2017). Building Self-Compassion: From Self-Criticism to Self-Kindness. Perth, Western Australia: Centre for Clinical Interventions.